The great half marathon slaughter of 2016
As dog years are to human years, so Codpiece kilometres are to normal kilometres. Using the 7:1 ratio, the trail was only 2 kms. Cooch recently listed LSH on the Meetup website, so we had several new, young, fit runners, who, as it turned out were serious FRBs.
We took off from Sturt St up through the Botanic Gardens for a couple of kms. After sniffing some roses, it was back across St Kilda Rd, down Park St till we ducked down Eastern Rd to Albert Park Lake. Thank heavens, I thought, we’re having the drink stop at the Lake, and I can have a little rest.
But no, we proceeded to run around the lake in an anti-clockwise direction past the rowing sheds. Thank heavens, I thought, we’re having the drink stop at the rotunda near MSAC and I can have a little rest.
Sadly the rotunda was but a blur as we sailed past it further around the Lake. We all got lost somewhere near the Carousel Cafe, while I had a little rest wishing for the drink stop or death, whichever was the sooner. Someone found trail and we resumed our trip southwards to Frankston. Then we headed westwards towards the underpass below Aughtie Drive.
How clever, I thought. We’re having the drink stop in the underpass and I can have a little rest. I had a little tantrum as we ran right through the underpass towards the back of the golf driving range. For F….s sake, please let’s have the drink stop at MSAC. But no, the trail skirted MSAC and went back across Aughtie Drive. By this stage I was running alone because all the young, fit FRBs were well ahead and I was free to scream all the four letter Indo-European swear words introduced to English by the Vikings in the eighth century.
And there at last, only 10km into the 2km run, was Old Boar with shandy and snakes (the lollies, not the bastards who prong you in the posterior if you step on them). Because the walk trail had been cleverly laid to bamboozle the walkers into missing the drink stop there was lots of extra shandy and snakes to go around.
Thereafter the trail went left and I went right, right back home that is, so I don’t know what happened on the rest of the run but this is what I’ve heard……..
Maybe the lads were tired and emotional after the tortuous 2 km trek. Lethal said to NickelBy: “Real men are Accountants. Only wimps are Engineers.” NickelBy, the engineer riposted with “What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality!”
Astro, once a bank manager with an affinity for accountants, now rushed to Lethal’s defence. It was the construction industry versus the finance industry. Punches were thrown and all 3 ended up doing face-plants in the dirt. When they were all dusted off, Nickelby was covered in blood, with a broken nose and a torn ligament in his finger. Old Boar and Lotsa Fun rushed him off to the Alfred Hospital A&E for a nose job.
NickelBy is much better now and ready to run again, but Lotsa is steaming big time over the damage to her man. She’s not going to forget. Meanwhile Lethal and Astro are in witness protection.
Empathy Awards
- Codpiece for suggesting that since NickelBy has a broken nose and torn finger ligament, his nose picking days are over.
- Swamp Rat for offering to give him an acrylic beak repair at her surgery.
- No Balls for asking “how the other guy looked?”
Virgins
Simone, Raul and SSB
Returnees
Lethal, 3K9, Add On, Old Boar, Jenny.
Walkers Report
Lost Jewels described the walk – did a teensy little walk of 6.7 km to Albert Park Lake where walkers missed the drink stop. 1600/1700
Walkers Report
Cheesecake described the run, see above. 1650/1700
Food Report
Racey Tracey described the food – Asian infused mini rolls with chicken and beef plus vegetarian meat balls. Heaps and heaps of food. 1697/1700
Charges
Udder was surprise Sergeant.
- Codpiece and Old Boar charged although Astro stood in as Old Boar look-a-like.
- Codpiece for setting the longest run this year.
- Raul and Lethal for being the only runners who actually look like athletes.
- Mummies’ for getting his charge wrong.
- GG for getting his charge wrong.
- Lethal for having a root.
- Pointy for putting on weight.
- Big Ears for not being able to pick Mothball’s accent and saying he’s from Rhodesia. He’s not Rhodesian, he’s Welsh you silly knob.
- Cut Loose for leading Lethal astray and thereby missing the drink stop.
- Codpiece for ageism.
- Lethal for having a crew cut.
- Mothball for moaning.
- Klingon for moaning – the run’s too short, the run’s too long.