Date: 13 August 2014
Hares: Udder and Gargoyle
Venue: Bentleigh RSL, Centre Road (near Jasper Rd) Bentleigh
Udder and Gargoyle laid a trail through Bentleigh. Bentleigh is the world’s most boring, flat, bland, square, vanilla suburb. The only interesting thing that’s ever happened was when the famous KGB spy Vladimir Petrov lived incognito for years in Parkmore Road, East Bentleigh during the Cold War.
Instead, let’s talk about Udder’s schooldays. During the week, Udder shared the following story of his childhood with his Bookkeeping students at Sandy Beach:
Back in Old Blighty, young Udder’s immediate ancestors realised they had a talented tot on their hands and they were willing to pay tens of pennies on his education. Already he was showing that special gift for being the centre of attention. He was a laugh a month minute. But to which green and pleasant public school should they despatch Cheeseman minor?
It was a toss-up between All Hallows Barking and St Andrews-By-The-Wardrobe but instead they chose a lovely school between Upper Dicker and Lower Dicker in Sussex where Udder’s classmates included Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Featherstonehaugh, Reginald Aylmer Ranfurly Plunket-Ernle-Erle-Dax and the Honourable Archibald Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe. Occasionally the school accepted single-surname students on compassionate grounds, so young Udder Cheeseman was in. Off he went to his first school day with his straw boater, morning suit, top hat and cane followed by a family retainer carrying his school books.
He spent his formative months in the Upper Fourth dorm with very sound fellows like Jacko, Badger, Inky, Drippy, Titch, Todger and Bumfluff. (No wonder he felt so at home at Lakeside Hash with his new chums Moth Ball, Two Bottoms, Wet Patch and No Balls.)
Early on, Tiddlywinks and Leapfrogging were the means of bonding these baby British Bulldogs, but later the chaps played rugger and cricket.
Udder joined the school rowing club. He thought if he entered the cocksless events he would meet lots of girls, but sadly the only people pulling strokes were other schoolboys. They competed against other schools from as far afield as – Acock’s Green, Worcestershire; Cockplay, Northumberland; Cockintake, Staffordshire; Cockermouth, Cumbria; Cockbush, London; Great Cockup and Little Cockup, Lake District; and when they pooled their pocket money, they made it to Three Cocks in Wales.
Afterwards they would reward themselves with some sherbet bombs, aniseed balls and drop acid acid drops while singing the school song:
“Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Belts off, trousers down
Isn’t life a scream.”
And Gargoyle? She went to Ballarat High School with normal people.
Back to the run/walk.
So you advertise the run from Bentleigh RSL in the hope that GG will go to the Bentleigh Club, then just in case GG relocates to Bentleigh RSL, the pack runs around the Bentleigh Club, so finding no-one at the Bentleigh RSL, the poor old bugger goes back to the Bentleigh Club, by which time the pack are back at the Bentleigh RSL. Yes, the trail covered both Bentleigh landmarks in remembrance of GG’s famous Kokup.
Lotsa Fun and Nickelby decided they liked the Bentleigh Club more than the Bentleigh RSL and decided to stay there.
SOAS, who started late and finished early, awarded the 9.8km run 1602/1622 because the houses are bigger than Richmond.
Returnees and Visitors
E&B, Cooch, Lotsa Fun, NickelBy, Baarbara, No Balls, SOAS, Lady Di, Lizzie (Shoe shopper and Wet Patch returned but shot through early)
Special Runs
Cheesecake x 500
Charges
- Colours for having the ebola virus.
- Lizzie for staying at the venue and getting pissed.
- SOAS who didn’t come last week because he was worried that too much rain would wash the shit from his shovel.
- Racey Tracey for engaging in mutual massage with Prickly.
- Cheesecake for taking 267 down downs over 18 years and not one of them took less than 3 minutes.
- NickleBy and Lotsa Fun for going to the Benteleigh Club.
- Cooch for being the Checkin Chicken and marking short-cutted trails which endangered hash lives, but not very much because we all got back.
- Lots of front running bastards were also included in the above charge – Critter, Prince, Klingon, Kokup, Prickly Bush, SOAS and others I missed.
- Lady Di and No Balls charged for ……. who knows?
- Pointy, Baarbara and Deeper for being New Zealanders.
Next week’s run with Cooch is at 1 Spicy 2 Richmond.
Scribe: Cheesecake (So during the week I went to Aldi hoping to buy another white, plastic cuckoo clock, but instead came away with a bargain priced pair of ladies joggers in navy. So I wore my new shoes to Bentleigh RSL and got away with wearing new shoes AGAIN! What is wrong with you people! Do we need a bulk booking at Spec Savers?)
(School song from Blackadder. Place names are dinkum, including Bentleigh and New Zealand)