Date: 26-Nov-14
Hare: Egg & Bacon Pie
Venue: Buckingham St Richmond
St Andrews Day Haggis Run
How do you organise a haggis run? Well first catch your haggis. The haggis is native to the very highest of the Scottish highlands. These very shy creatures are about the size of an overfed brush-tail possum, but unusually for such small mammals, they are bi-peds. E&B who has seen one in the wild reckons they have one leg shorter than the other to more easily navigate the steep highland gradients. She didn’t say which leg is shorter. Can’t help thinking E&B is telling a porkie because, assuming the right leg is longer, the haggis would be forever condemned to walking counter-clockwise around the highlands.
Their shyness, rarity and rugged habitat make them incredibly difficult to catch. Because they must be captured live to preserve succulent-ness , traps, nets, darts – none of them work. Hardy highland haggis hunters lace haggis watering holes with a few litres of Johnny Walker Blue Label. Once the haggis’ are right off their faces, trying to dance the Macarena and sing silly love songs, they are bloody easy to catch.
Although the haggis is number 5 on the World Wildlife list of the world’s most endangered species, the Scots don’t give a bugger – they just want to exploit the poor creatures by catching and exporting them for maximum Scottish pounds. Compounding Scots cruelty is the practice of haggis hurling which involves throwing a haggis as far as possible. According to Wikipedia the world record for haggis hurling was achieved by Lorne Coltart on 11 June 2011, who hurled his haggis 217 feet.
The other way to catch a haggis is to drive to Rob’s British Butchery in Dandenong and buy one.
Talking of cruelty to innocent creatures, E&B banned the walkers from the drink stop. Tension between E&B and the walkers has been simmering for a while. A couple of walkers made jokes about bagpipes, E&B took offence, and it was on! The runners enjoyed a delightful run through the green and pleasant fields of Kew, Yarra Boulevard, the famous goat track and back via the Yarra Bend Golf Course. We were serenaded with duelling bagpipes underneath the Studley Park Rd bridge and finished with a relaxing drink stop at W H S Dickinson Reserve Kew. None of us runners were even aware that the walkers weren’t there because we didn’t care – more hash splash to go around. The runners were probably off sulking, developing more bagpipe jokes. Here’s a sample of their homework:
Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Back home we were treated to a dinner of roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, roast carrots, roast pumpkin, green stuff, roast beef, haggis, gravy – the works. Plus Prickly Bush made Yorkshire Pudding which disappeared pretty quickly. The bagpipes had another outing when the haggis and whisky were presented.
Circle started with Klingon bending down on one knee, damn the arthritis! and proposing to Flora. Fortunately she accepted.
Visitors
Daddy’s Velcro Gloves, Drew, Sam, 6.35,
Returnees
Gringa, Tricky Dicky, Barterbitch, Highly Infectious, X-Rated, Incredibly Gobby Tart 2, Racey Tracey, Behind Bars, Big Ears, Prince, swamp rat, Cooch, E&B, Noel.
Charges
- Cut Loose for signing the book on behalf of Astro who wasn’t there and didn’t do the run.
- E&B, Prickly Bush, Kokup, Prince, Swamp Rat, Cooch, Behind Bars, Hooraytio, Klingon for having Scots blood.
- Noel for being Scottish.
- Prince for looking like Braveheart.
- Swamp Rat for looking like Braveheart.
- Tricky Dicky for picking up bad Adelaide habits and bringing them to Melbourne.
- Gringa for breaking her foot.
- Udder for misleading the pack.
- Pointy for driving around Sandown racetrack without a saddle.
- Tricky for coming all the way from Adelaide to collect his Footy tipping prize which Klingon left at home. E&B for making convoluted charges.
- SOAS for having the real name of Andrew and therefore being Scottish.
- Shoe Shopper and Wet Patch for having their 2nd Lakeside anniversary.
- Sam for having hair, the colour of which didn’t match the sporran.
- Prickly Bush for having a birthday.
- Mothball for making moth holes in Prickly Bush’s kilt.
Scribe: Cheesecake