Sometimes the most interesting thing about a hash run isn’t the trail or the food or the location. It’s the snippets of conversation. Your scribe overheard the following discussion between Prickly Bush and Lotsa Fun just before Wednesday’s run.
LF: Prickly, I need a new sports bra and I don’t know what to buy. I’m suffering bra-choice overload. You’re an accomplished athlete, so you’d be the best person to ask.
PB: Well Lotsa, sports bras are complicated. Are you looking for a bra with angiogenic sensor technology and elastrometric fibre content, or would you prefer exterior flocking silicon graphic print fibre with strategically placed filaments?
LF: Mmmmm. Maybe I should have asked someone else.
PB: Lotsa, let me put it this way. If you wanna jog you gotta have support. To achieve your anaerobic threshold with reduced oscillation but enhanced proprioception you’ll need a bra with minimalist cabling encasing motion sensor detection.
LF: So what do I need for jogging?
PB: Bras come with different levels of encapsulation correlated to activity level. A Level 1 is OK when you’re flat out on the couch watching Shane Warne in “I reckon I’m a Celebrity, I Deserve to be Here”, but for bungee-jumping you’d need a Level 6. For jogging, use a Level 3.
LF: What if I want to play volleyball?
PB: Volleyball is going to generate maximum oscillation and rotation with massive arc movements. It would require level 6 encapsulation, compression and containment. Stay away from volleyball. Dolly Parton once tried volleyball without a sports bra and she got severe facial contusions.
LF: What if LubeOil and I play Mahjong?
PB: For Mahjong you could get away with a Level 1. But if LubeOil turns out to be a sore loser and chucks the Mahjong tiles in your direction with all the velocity her small frame can muster then you’ll need the Level 2.
So now Lotsa Fun is the full bottle jug on sports bras.
Helicopter hares tracked with us through some virgin Beaumaris bush, around the perimeter fence of the exclusive Royal Melbourne Golf Course, and down to Black Rock beach. By this time we were all gagging for the drink stop – turns out the DS was back where we started. Bit of a double cross by the hares but drink stop well worth it with lots of fruity sangria. As usual Shoe Shopper cooked up a feast – especially loved the chilli con carne.
Punch – she arrived late, missed the start then went looking for the elusive walkers. They didn’t call, they didn’t write, they didn’t phone. When she finally caught up to the walkers she called them bastards. And I thought she was such a lady. Punch awarded the walk 15/15 minus 3 for lack of calling ON. ON.
Cheesecake – ignored the big picture and rabbited on about trail traversing Beaumaris’ gravel streets of which Fairleigh Ave is one. In Beaumaris, if you live on a gravel road/street rather than a bitumenised one it hugely increases the value of your house and discourages drive-byes by poor people from disadvantaged suburbs whose Japanese cars can’t cope. Awarded lots.
Whereupon Skiddy broke into song with a rendition of “Shitty Trail”.
Aristokat, Skiddy, Swamp Rat, GG.
Colours x too many, Astro x 469.
Sergeant – Sweaty Box
- Hares – Wet Patch and Shoe Shopper.
- Skiddy for being a Short Cutting Bastard.
- Aristokat for ignoring Sweaty Box’s phone messages.
- Swamp Rat for coming to hash wearing her hash gear inside out.
- Skiddy for giving everyone a strip show when she changed into hash gear.
- Punch for not giving everyone a strip show when she changed into hash gear.
- Mummy’s Boy for signing the book and writing ‘DNR’ – superfluous because how do you resuscitate a mummy?
- Sweaty Box for getting the run details wrong – GPS’s everywhere went nuts because she called location Wellington St instead of Avenue and left off the house number.
- Cheesecake for having a small book.
- Prickly Bush, LuBangOz, Sweaty Box, Colours for wearing Essendon colours.
- Astro for mis-calling Cheesecake “GG”.
- Kokup and Big Ears for being sweet on each other.
- Skiddy, Aristokat, Sweaty Box for lowering average age of LSH by 30 years.
- GG for increasing average age of LSH by 40 years.
- Aristokat, Udder, Pointy, Wet Patch, Sweaty Box, & Mother Brown charged for being English because the Poms just won the Grand Championship at the International Federation of Tiddlywinks Associations recent afternoon tea.
- NickleB for low profile.
- Mummy’s Boy charged for criticising Kokup’s towelling outfit. Here follows an extract from LSH Run Report 1613 on the dangers of wearing towelling outfits:
‘and the birthplace of Percy Grainger at 305 New St(Brighton). Grainger was the composer of the traditional English folk song “In an English Country Garden” which achieved fame as the theme of a TV ad for Edgell’s peas. Pity Mummys Boy wasn’t there, because Percy and his Mum used to self-flagellate together – a selection of Percy’s whips is preserved at Melbourne Uni’s Music Conservatorium. He was also reputed to be a racist and anti-semite. He had all his clothing made from colourful bath towel material.’!!!
(This last charge caused the Poms to break into a verse of “Land of Hope and Glory”. Not sure why they honoured North Korea in this way.)
(Circle then sang a rendition of ‘Swing Low’ led by Wet Patch after which Lotsa Fun advised us that men and women come differently.)Other songs provided by Prickly Bush & Punch, Gargoyle & Cut Loose while Udder & Mummy’s Boy sang a communist song.