The Opening Ceremony – Sandy Rotunda on Sandy beach
We gathered in the upper storey of the Sandringham rotunda to open the 2016 LSH Olympic Games. The actual Olympics involve young super fit athletes at their peak who’ve trained relentlessly for months, even years to hone their brilliant sporting skills. The LSH Olympics involve slightly porky middle-aged layabouts who like a drink or seven and who couldn’t get out of their own way if their bums were on fire. No-one’s bum combusted but a few fingers were singed by sparkler mis-handlement at the LSH opening.
Archery/shot put event – Cheesecake’s garage
Venue for first event was sort of a Russianey-Brazillianey hybrid. A tropical paradise of swaying vodka infused hares and plastic palm trees, basking below starry night skies and mosquito nets. The World Health Organisation and CSIRO research sez vodka shots kill the zika virus. Some Lakesiders have multiple infections. Our Russian hares, all rugged up in furry Russian hats, conformed to national stereotype and supplied us with:
Stimulants – GG, performed in archery/shot put like Skippy on speed.
Depressants – Mothball, continues to notice life’s lead lining.
Opiates – Swamp Rat, always chilled like a kitten on ketamine.
Hallucinogens – Cheesecake, thinks she’s an athlete.
The actual archery/shot put event had participants heaving a ball at a target – the point between GG’s eyes. Not his actual eyes, but the eyes appearing on his 1000th hung-up target –like T-shirt. People dream of throwing things at GG, but on this occasion he won for playing with himself so convincingly.
Athletics events – Sandy Athletics track
Beaten by a boob – and I don’t mean Klingon. Yes, Cheesecake got to the 100 metre finishing line a millisecond behind Prickly Bush’s chesty substances. The anabolic steroids from the garage event really kicked in at the track event because the first three 100 metre place getters – Wet Patch, Prince and Klingon – took off like shit out of a shanghai, like there was free beer at the finishing line. First 100 metre chicklet was Sweaty Box. The Athletics track was in complete darkness so it was dumb luck that we all ran in the same direction.
The egg and spoon pairs event was the blind leading the unbalanced, with one partner torching the spoon balancer down the 100 metre track. Thanks to poor ball handling skills, there were mass disqualifications in the egg and spoon events, the spoon being a tea spoon and the egg being a golf ball.
Drinking event – railway underpass at Sandy.
This last event finished with more drugs, rum and coke with little ring shaped cannabinoid laced cookies. I’m pretty sure dope slows one down towards sleepiness so not sure what edge you’d gain from the cookies. Although 58,000 condoms were handed out to the Rio athletes, so perhaps there’s an Olympic sleeping event.
Codpiece has some terrible foot illness with a really long Latin name which I can’t remember, but I know it’s got ‘arse’ in it. Despite her pain, she took 300 photos of the Cut Loose, Colours Olympics, then lost them, then found them again. So a medal to CP for her hard work. Medals also to Cut Loose and Colours for going to so much trouble in making the night so much fun, even if some can only remember the two drink stops.
Aftermath – Cut Loose decided to leave her vodka stash in Cheesecake’s garage overnight to collect the next day. Now Cheesecake’s garage has a pet door for a pet which went to heaven long ago. During the night a possum permeated the pet door. I guess it had the zika virus because it hopped up on the bench, opened the vodka bottle and had some yummy medicine.
Visitors – Linda and Amanda from France out of Collingwood
Returnees – Wet Patch, Shoe Shopper, Hooraytio, Flora, E&B
Special runs – Wet Patch and Shoe Shopper X 50 runs, because they always come together.
Hares – Cut Loose and Colours
Walk report – Mothball – very challenging, just follow Astro, don’t worry about chalk. 2012/2016
Run report – Sweaty Box – ran along beach then back to pub, then on-back to Sandy Beach Centre, then back to pub, then sauntered around Sandy shops, then back to pub, took 2.11 km before runners could get away from pub. Cut Loose’s entrails crossed her out trails, but did a good job, although too clever by half. Great entertainment, two drink stops, clever checks, 2000/2016 lost points for entrail/out trail fuck up.
Surprise sergeant – Wet Patch
- Prickly for having a loud voice.
- Gargoyle talks very quietly.
- Cut Loose – for handing out Olympic awards
- Medal for Sportsman of the year – GG for being hit lots and not flinching.
- Prickly and Sweaty award for winning egg and spoon race.
- OTT and Lost Jewels for winning 2nd leg of egg and spoon race.
- Olympian walking event winner – Swamp Rat.
- Olympic Coach of year – Cheesecake.
- Olympic 100 metre champion – Wet Patch
- Kokup the engineer, for not understanding heat transference in sparklers.
- Udder for getting lost on way to Cheesecakes’ place.
- Linda – for coinciding ball handling at athletics track.
- Prickly Bush for being able to wrap her mouth around a ring while Deeper’s away.
- Mothball complained about quality of run at drink stop.
- Cheesecake for having to hear about Tasmania and Collingwood while on French holiday.
- Hooraytio – for scoring the message “no replacements found” when scribe uses predictive text.
- OTT – her birthday.
- Astro – forgot OTT’s name.
- Wet Patch – coming first when Shoe Shopper not around.
- NickelBy X- 625 runs.
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Who needs Copa Cabana when one has Sandringham? Who needs Rio in the summer when one has Melbourne in the winter? This was the day that the Olympics came to LakesideHHH. Athletes (AKA Hashers) braved the cold kept sustained but not one, but two drink stops – International flavours of Russian Vodka and Jamaican rum slid down well and kept the runners going. A memorable night.
