LAKESIDE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS HASH TRASH
Run 943 14 August 2002 Polo Club Hotel, Ascot Vale
Boner
I had recently heard a report on Radio National that the intellectual had become extinct. Upon arrival at Ascot Vale’s luxurious Polo Club Hotel I could see this was not entirely true, for standing before me was the very approximation of the sexual intellectual – That Nice Mr. Boner in a pair of snazzy new specs and new teeth to match! His trail was so convoluted and introspective that I could see for myself that the Intellectual Hashman was truly alive and well in the hills of Moonee Ponds.
Speaking of convoluted, the GM’s introduction of returning Lakesider Tripod left us all guessing right up to the latter’s belated emergence from the Polo Club’s darkened carpark. By that time most of the pack had already headed out on what became, for some of us, a very short run.
Boner had told us how long it was, but of course we hadn’t believed him. After coming to the first check, some scouting to the right led the pack straight to fresh hash trail marked “on-in”. Suspecting a clever and ironic ruse, Boomerang, TDTD, X Rated, and E&B were right back at the on-in in no time. Once there only Boomer had the moral fortitude to rest assured that he was justified in staying and swilling lager while the rest of us, plus Bovine and Love Custard, went back out on trail.
It wasn’t much longer before the pack reconvened in the shadow of the Giant French Fry.
Boner’s intellectual bent made itself apparent again in an Escheresque labyrinth of overpasses, underpasses, and bridges. Toto and Shagadelic led the pack up a flight of stairs to nowhere before trail was found heading towards Flemington. After dithering about in some back-alley shooting galleries, the pack headed north again, surprisingly did not go over Boner Bridge, and followed the now familiar on-in trail back to the pub.
Boner’s genius was at work again as the surly kitchen staff produced plate after plate of mysterious provender. The hash stretched its few remaining collective brain cells in conducting a forensic analysis of the ingredients. Lotsa Fun was bold enough to ask That Which Shall Not Be Asked, namely: “What is in a meat pie?”
Despite the steam arising from many a puzzled brow, no one could identify the contents, though this prevented no one except Quasimodo from eating whatever it was. Wings and Downsizing dodged the question entirely by retiring to their nearby abode for a quickie and a quiche. Love Custard was overheard offering sex for food, though this was later discovered to be a translation error, much to our disappointment.
Following in the spirit of experimentation and intellectual curiosity, the GM started the circle by drawing the raffle. Mummie’s Boy somehow managed to dodge charges of false advertising after announcing “the 1st prize is… Kirstie”, only to send the winners away with stickers and little white socks.
The run was described as being much like a Bourke Street tram – you could get off where you wanted (even at Newhall Street, for some). A bunch of clackers accompanied Boner’s down down down. Lipstick was charged for having a disappointingly homogenous selection at her Puckle Street porn shop. The scribe was charged for desertion and Xrated copped it for poor procedure.
Baabaara stepped to the plate and charged Janus for 50 runs and Downsizing for a palindromic 55. Tripod drank for fleeing the lowlands of Europe during some biblical flooding in that part of the world. Expect heavy rains as God’s wrath is directed in Australia’s direction. GG was charged for offering “relaxation therapy” in the back of the Melbourne Times, though our faithful Sergeant must have been looking pretty closely to spot that ad… The Sydney Slappers earned drink for bringing the clap to the hash and Boner drank for forgetting his torch.
Some interesting charges were elicited from the floor, including the GM for leaving his shoes under E&B’s bed, Boner for “tonsil hockey”, and Gerbils for “sweet fuck all”. The beer was gone and all that remained were two stale sausage(?) rolls and the some ratty, old announcements. However, the closing moments were livened when, upon hearing that Lethal was a ski instructor, Shagadelic eagerly asked “Is he cute?” Those of you who care to place bets on The Silver Fox are invited to witness the spectacle 6-8 September at Mt. Buller. See E&B for details.
Chao cac ban
TDTD
UPCUMMING RUNS
Date Run Number Hare Venue Melways Et Cetera 21/8/02 944 Boomer 4/39 Horne(y) Street, Elsternwick 67 F3 Down the street from the Daily Planet 28/8/02 945 Klingon Inkerman Hotel, Inkerman Street, St Kilda East 2P K8 300m east of rail line 4/09/2002 946 Bovine Breeder Pacific Rim Thai Restaurant, 68 Bridport Street, Albert Park 2K B6 $12/ head; Private dining room! Hash can bring own beer! 11/09/2002 947 IBM & Swallower 7 Nelson Street, Sandringham 76 H8 Even more Hash room! 18/09/2002 948 Shunt Uncle Shunt’s Shed, 22 Wallace Ave, Murrumbeena 69 A9 Welcome to Map 69!