LAKESIDE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS HASH TRASH
Run 914: January 31, 2002 Koomba Park, Wantirna
Hare: Kling-On Lunar New Year Run
I motored out to Run 915 along the Eastern Freeway, a pleasant breezy drive for an old Eastern Suburbs boy. Naturally, I was a little late, due to the excessive distance of the venue. When I finally got out of the car onto the broad acres of Koomba Park, the first thing I didnt notice was the presence of any Hashers. There were all the cars lined up, but diddly-squat in the way of Lakesiders. A gentle breeze stirred the bushes and the treetops swayed. Occasionally came the thwack of a mis-timed lob form the local tennis club behind; a blokes feet stretched out of the Falcon panel van I had parked next to. Tangles? I thought; but no, this was a white one. It was quiet; too quiet.
So, off I went in search of the pack. After circumnavigating the still empty park several times, I chanced upon a far pavilion with Baa-baa-ras familiar red grog van parked next to it, parked in a clearly restricted and inaccessible area guarded by several locked gates and barriers. Just as I was about to burst upon the scene, I noticed the impending arrival of the irate park ranger, and so hastily retired behind a sign detailing the habits of the locally endangered frog population. All things finally sorted, I was reunited with Stuck-On, who was furiously preparing a ripper Vietnamese barby, and the laidback Kling-On, peering out from behind those languid light blue eyes. Kling-On explained that the pack had just left, and would be gone for a good hour-and-a-half; but that if I took the bush trail down to the highway, and then cut left from the bridge that runs over the road and across the creek on the right-hand side; I could take a short cut and be back in good time. No amount of involved explanation could elucidate this complicated itinerary and after 10 minutes more close questioning I was none the wiser. It seemed that it would be impossible to find the short-cut, when suddenly, the entire Lakeside Pack proved me dramatically wrong by hoving into view over Kling-Ons right shoulder. Not only had they missed the real trail, but they had all unerringly found a shortcut back home within 11 minutes of the Off.
All except Tangles, that is, who was gone for over an hour and in that time covered a little more than 75 kilometres. Tangles is in training for a hare-brained stunt dreamed up by Qausimodo, called ExtremeHash, which involves a team of four people all walking 100 kilometres in a day. Simple, really. The idea is that you start by walking 1 km per day and work your way up. The big event will be held in Sydney, and Quasimodo is getting a Lakeside team together. Training will involve return walks over the next few weekends to, respectively, Geelong, Warrnambool and Mildura, with the final training session being a group walk to Sydney the day before the main event.
After Stuck-Ons superb repast, Lounge Lizard and I lay back upon the grass, enjoying the natural environment, while the high-tension electricity transmission cables cracked and sparked overhead. I noticed that he would occasionally give his golden Labrador a sip from his VB stubby, he explaining that she liked an occasional beer. We spoke of many things that afternoon, laying there; Lizards hopes and fears for the future; him gazing up at the transmission towers and casually estimating the formula for the cubic inverse decline of magnetic field with distance. Periodically his dog lapped at the beer, growing noticeably more tipsy all the while.
Eventually came the circle, an incredibly boisterous affair with everybody charging everybody else at once, so that all hope of recording them were lost. Kling-Ons dog Chiko circled the Circle eagerly, with his eye upon Lizards obviously inebriated bitch. Bovine Breeder put in a rare appearance, having ducked around the corner from his lolly factory where hes in charge of the liquorice, which explains the masses of sickly sweets for dessert after the lean Asian main course. I overheard him explaining to an enthusiastic Deep Throat, herself just over 30, the pleasures of dating older women. What Bovine Breeder didnt know was that he had been pre-empted in this line by the notable American statesman, Benjamin Franklin, who says the following in his little-known classic On the Choice of a Mistress, and other Satires and Hoaxes, pp. 12-13 (I kid you not; look it up on the library catalogue).
” 4. if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman, who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health & Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright the Deficiency of the fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part. The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever; so that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to tell an old one from a young one. And as in the Dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of Corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior; every Knack, being, by Practice, capable of Improvement.”
Surely there can be no more rousing conclusion to any Hash Circle than the arrival of Two Dogs Fucking, and I am not referring here to our former Lakeside Harriet of note. Just as the baying and shouting reached its crescendo, the inevitable happened, and Kling-Ons dog pounced upon Lounge Lizards plastered bitch, and proceeded to engage in violent and repeated coupling, to the acute embarrassment of both men and the delight of the highly amused Pack. Lets hope it doesnt get too much more exciting at Lakeside Hash.
On on
Mummies Boy.
UPCUMMING HASH RUNS
Run 915 February 7 Tangles Blackburn Hotel, 111 Maroondah
Highway, Blackburn.
Melway: 47-K9
Run 916 February 13 Cooch BBQ area about 100 metres south-east of
Jolimont Station , near MCG.
Melway 2G-E5
Run 917 Feb. 16 (5 pm) Barterbitch Oxford Scholar Hotel, cnr
Swanston & ABeckett Streets
Melway: 2B E 12
The 7th annual Red Dress Run
$10 covers all, Wear a RED DRESS, in the CBD!
BE THERE!! Remember, youre better off Red than Dead!
UPCUMMING HASH EVENTS
Beat the Ferry Hash Dash
:
Sun. March 3, 2002 Western Suburbs H3 will once again host the Beat the Ferry Hash Dash as part of the Williamstown Festival, on 3/3 please note the date, its a Sunday, about 11 am, 4K, A to B.
Slumber in the Slammer,
Melbourne Ladies Harriets Great Escape 1300th Run, to Old Castlemaine Jail; February 9, 2002; ; Dinner Bed Breakfast only $90; kids under-14 for $40; Dancing – music Giveaway Sausage sizzle – Recovery run; Ring Anonymouse 972-54296.
Zoo Twilights,
February 15, 6:30-9 pm. Joe Camilleris Revelators play Rock and
R & B at the Melbourne Zoo. Adults: $15.30; kids $7.60; Family $41.40 ( 2 adults + 4 kids). Call Gerbils (Cathy) on 0425-596-726.